I’m in sinking sand… Depression has set in. This battle has proven too much for me. I have lost hope, all sense of reality, all I can see is the darkness, doubt and fear. I haven’t stopped crying in over 72 hours. I’m either working or sobbing. I pull the car over numerous times a day because I start hyperventilating and weeping uncontrollably. I’m so tired.
I’m not really sure what else to do about it either. I’ve been waiting for so long. Walked thru a lying ex who stabbed me in the back over and over. Lying friends who betrayed my confidence and trust. Loss of my music career due to a spinal injury. Loss of my dog and empty nested… Menopause. And now I’m in financial turmoil. Over a period of about 4 years, my life has turned into a nightmare. I’m at a loss period. And now I’m moving into a slum that is by far the most disgusting, worn down, mold and roach ridden places I’ve ever seen. And trust me, I’m trying so hard to be GRATEFUL.
But I’m failing. Failing at a grateful heart. Failing to be loving to those who have wronged me. Failing to believe that God has a better plan for me as my life worsens by the day. Failing to understand the purpose of all this pain. Failing to have hope. Failing to keep a stiff upper lip. I’m just failing at everything. I’m falling to pieces. I’ve never been so low. I’ve been dumped, stomped on, forgotten, thrown away too many times and I just don’t care to try anymore.
But then Jesus said, I love you. I will heal you. I will restore you. I will give you understanding. I will give you peace. I will give you hope. I will give you Mercy. I will give you Strength and Grace and Power! I will give you me.
So, I sit here at 2:30am, balling in my pillow, shopping for roach killer and rubber gloves to prepare my new place to move in, and I ponder God’s Love and wonder why he’s investing in this old, worn out shell of a once vibrant woman… And He says, because it’s not about you, it’s about me.
I’m trying to give up. I’m trying to let go. And the moment I stop sobbing all the time I will know that I don’t care anymore and I have truly given up. We must come to the end of ourselves before God can restore Himself in us. We must be broken all the way to have a clean slate. We must not seek this life, only His Life. Not our ways, but His ways. We must be willing to lose everything for the sake of Him. I have lost so much, but I have gained so much more. But in my moment of weaknesses as I sob out of discomfort, selfishness and sadness, I realize I’m still mourning what I want. I must become comfortable with Loss. I must be okay with being shunned. I must become grateful for roaches and filth if I am ever to grow, learn and transform.
As I reflect to search for a last shine of hope, I know these things. I lost a husband, I gained my freedom from domestic abuse. I lost a lover, but gained my relationship with my family back. I lost friends, and gained life lessons and wisdom. I lost hope and found salvation. I lost sight and gained healing. I lost myself and found Jesus. The only link left in all this world to real Life is He who is Greater in me than in the world.
So again, I repent to you Lord, I am a failure. I can’t seem to get anything right. But that wasn’t the point was it? I can’t, but you can. I will never truly live until I stop living and you Live thru me. So I surrender my all and all. I simply seek shelter in your arms, under your wing, and on your breast will I rest. I have been broken by this battle and cannot find a way to go on, so I will give up all together. I obviously cannot win, but you can. I leave it to you Lord. I bring you my shattered, torn and suffering self. I bring you my confusion, my pain, my uttering bellows of hopelessness. I fought, but not the good fight, because I failed my Faith too.
So Here I am Lord, empty and forsaken. A piece of chewed up and regurgitated meat left by the ways of this world to die. I must be a putrid smell to your nostril! The sight of me must score your eye with anger. But I plea open armed! Do not forsake me! Please Father! Annoint my Head with Oil! Call me your own! Take me in and shelter me from this storm! Rise up against my enemy and plague the ones who have scarred your child. I was to be your bride and I am weathered and lost. My smile has faded and my heart’s discontent sours the flavor of our Love.
I am bitter like a rotten seed that sat in the moisture of her tears too long. I have lost my resilience, my stamina and my yeast is dead. I will not rise anymore for I have lost my zeal and glimmer. My dreams are gone and my vigor distinguished like a flame in the rain. The wick has long been out and cut short by the flailing winds of the storm. But still I bring you my lamp.
Fill me once more that I may burn for you in the night. May I see hope where there is death. May I see life where there is destruction. May I hear your voice where there is scoffing, anger and hatred. May I see you where I see me. Break me into the soil so that I may become a bed in which you can plant goodness and joy forevermore, Amen.
8. Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.