A New Years Resolve | When was the Beginning

As I sit this morning recollecting the past year’s journey, I find so many signs and wonders of the Lord’s coming to fruition in my life. I woke and made my Past Year’s post on Facebook. A basic little application offering highlighted posts from the past 365 days. Giving a second to meditate on what had transpired. Scanning through pictures of the last twelve months, it came to me so clearly. I was tired for many good reasons and it dismissed my feelings of regret. I had come from somewhere this past year. I had accomplished so much. But now, I was ready to be reborn. I was ready to be re-enlightened. I was ready to be breathed into with a fresh sense of awareness and hope that the new year will bring promise. I was ready and prepared.

The year 2014 brought much tribulation, stress, and strife. My son who has now separated himself from his mothers waning teet and had in just a year’s time delivered himself into the world as an independent adult. He joined the military, the Army specifically, gained his footing in the world as a soldier and has most recently devoted his life and heart by order of engagement to a young woman. His visit home this season brought the realizations that he is now his own. As I dropped him and his fiancé’ off at her home after dinner, it came to me, I will never tuck my boy into bed, kiss his soft forehead, come to his cry in the middle of the night or tend a new morning yawn again. I realized that this transformation reminded me of his birth when he left my body causing pain and agony. That this too, this delivery from my home, my wing, was just as painful as when he left my womb. Now, he is David, still my son, but a man who steps to his own destiny.

As I began to pray, seeking the Lord for guidance; I summoned him to bring me to an epiphany. I searched the scripture by flapping through pages and landing quietly in Matthew, Chapter 23-26. I had hoped to find a word that would strengthen the vision I had experienced just a week’s time ago while waking abruptly in the wee hours of a morning. There was something about to happen. After this long year of trials and change, building a business, strengthening a daughter who was struggling with teenage tasks and delivering a son into this world, I needed to know that I was still on a path of personal salvation. A way in which I still had purpose and meaning. A hope that there was more joy to have and more work to do.

Matthew:24:21
for then there will be a great tribulation, such as has not occurred since the beginning of the world until now, nor ever shall.

As I read through Chapters 23-26, I heard the story of the days, as told by Matthew, before the Passover and the final deliberations that Jesus gave to us to consider before his death and resurrection. I related to the words given to the scribes, the Pharisees, as he called them hypocrites. I knew as I prepare for a new year that He, the Almighty, was speaking to me while he works me toward my purposes. Recently I had portrayed my anger and frustrations towards the world’s churches during fellowship with my dad. I told him that I felt church leaders only fall away the feet of those searching for the Grace of God! That they lead them into despair with no hope. Keeping from them the good news and leaving them to think that they receive forgiveness by their own flesh and doings, and not simply by the grace and mercy of our Heavenly Father! I physically heat up in emotional thoughts when I think about the Priests sending down judgment upon the heads of the believers only for their own name sake to cause strife and worry in the church. How the bride is being raped of her gold with wicked tongues of fake promises and riches of the world. How religions cause the eyes of the weak to fix their gaze upon everything that is not right in themselves so as to cause them to fall into a coma of self-doubt and consistent shame. These are the idols of the people. The monarchy that will fall. For any one of us who lead, must lead the hearts and eyes to simply look at their Father as he will do the rest in their confirmed and freely given salvation!

As I read on I noticed the verse I mentioned above. In relation to the deliberations that Christ spoke, He reminds us to constantly prepare for the end days. He tells us to be constantly ready or to have readiness as the disciples asked him what the signs would be that he was coming.  He tells us to be weary of false prophet, when nation rises against nation. He speaks of the time when many will fall away and hate one another. That these times of tribulations, (meaning a time distress or suffering resulting from oppression or persecution; also : a trying experience) would be the signs that he is coming. And that the time in the beginning, the time when Adam ate of the Tokogae, (Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil), was the time that the tribulation began.

As I ponder on where my journey will take me, I know that there will be many times of stress and strife, of tribulation. It is in these times I know he is coming, he is working for my good, bringing me salvation and rest. There are many things in which we are to fear in these times, but we are not to fear the tribulation as it is a sign, a wonder that the Lord Jesus Christ has not forsaken us! It a sign that he is coming to claim his bride! He, the One, says prepare yourselves as the virgins prepare for the wedding feast. Be prepared to sit in the dark and wait upon the bridegroom and have your oil flask to refill your lamp when it is time to burn the light. Meaning, keep your spirit prepared for him. Keep your light shining for others to see! And do not give in to the eyes of the flesh that become heavy and you sleep whilst you are to be guarding  your soul. Stay vigilant in prayer and seeking Him.

My Father in heaven comes for me and I am ready. Ready to do whatever the will be of the Lord. In the hopes that I will continue to let Christ’s light shine through me so that others can see what He has made!

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Tomorrow Will Be a Good Day | Mothering the Depressed

It’s not everyday that you can say it has been a good day. There is no relative ground when it comes to the mood swings of someone who suffers with Depression or Bi-polar Disorder. Waking up on any given day could mean catastrophe and a simple statement like, “hello, how was your day” could open a whole can of worms that takes hours to recooperate from. That is why I have learned it is easier to take it moment by moment.

Recently I found myself in an utter panic when I came home to realize that my daughter wasn’t home. My brain turned chaotic as I ran around the tiny little apartment calling her name and re-checking all the rooms for a sign of her lifeless body. Then it dawned on me, she had called earlier that evening to tell me she was going for a walk. I sighed with relief. Then in a split second, utter frenzy entered my mind. I asked myself, “Why isn’t she home yet?” I immediately started pacing thinking the most awful things of her in the park all alone, and what could have happened to her. Within moments of our search we were reunited with a cheerful young lady who did not caution to impose her distain upon us for worrying so frantically. She said, “I always take hour long walks mom! Why didn’t you just look at the time I called you? You would’ve realized I was just still out walking! Geze!” And with a roll of her eyes she dismissed herself to her room. I was left in disbelief, shaking nervously and trying to regain the calm sense I had recently arrived home with. It was all my fault, this time.

Now, you may be wondering why in the world would you have first thought to look for a lifeless body? That seems a bit presumptious don’t you think? Being the mother of a person who suffers from Bi-Polar Disorder can put a lot of strain on the mind. It leaves room for the imagination to wander and the soul to feel despairity even when there is nothing to despair. The constant review of how your child is feeling can become a disheartening cycle. You learn so much about how you might be failing them, how incredibly lost they feel, how they have no desire to live and sometimes, how much they despise you. But what you need to learn about is, the “WHY”.

My daughter and I started life out on two opposite sides of the universe. Now, when I say we didn’t get along, I mean, we REALLY did not get along. There was very little bond between us due to her upbringing in a confused home with two parents who had two different ideas of discipline and child rearing. It unfortunately put me, the disciplanarian on the wrong side of her fence. After my divorce I made it a personal goal to find a way for her and I to bond. I wanted to create that special relationship between mother and daughter that I never had with my own mother. And most of all, I wanted her to know that I loved her more than anything in the whole world. I was willing to fight for her like no one had ever fought for her before.

When my daughter was young we experienced some very odd behaviors. Behaviors that eventually not only got the attention of loved ones and family, but even teachers, principals and finally the “system”. She was evaluated around five years old for mental behavioral issues. The news was not good. I was devasted and had no idea where to turn, so I turned to my husband and family. When their reaction was completely the opposite, we collectively decided that the diagnosis was irratic and unsubstantiated. And in that, we did nothing.

Continuing a life of family issues, social anxieties, bad grades and heartless speeches about “Life, and what’s normal”; my beautiful daughter’s struggle grew. It started to consume her personality, her diet, her activities and even started affecting family relationships because of the disagreements we would have on how to handle her wrong behavior. After the divorce she started using danger terms like, “I wish I was dead” and “What’s the point, none of it matters anyway.” I knew it was time for a change and I decided maybe again it was time to have my daughter evaluated.

Since then and for the past three years, my daughter and I have been on a road of healing. We have taken the steps to understand the “WHY” and what the ramifications are when it comes to mental health disorders. We have opened avenues of communication and delved deep into our psyche to figure out exactly what it is we can do to develop a better communication. We have found pains that we didn’t even know were there and learned ways to resolve conflicts in our personal lives as well as in our relationship with one another. The journey has been long, but it has been wonderful.

The reason why my mind goes to thinking she may have commited suicide so easily is due to the fact that I have finally admitted to myself that will always be a possibility. It is something that the doctors told me to take very seriously for so long. I dreaded it and it became a fear that I ended up ignoring due to my inability to understand the “WHY”. I now understand why she would want to do something so drastic as to take her life. Even when I heard her light cheerful voice just an hour before. Why she would give up on everything that is good around her. Why she has no motivation. I understand now that the “WHY” is not ME. It is not because I was a bad mom, or that I disciplined her too hard, or that she is trying to get back at me for something I did…. It is just because, She FEELS bad and she can’t make it go away. Her brain is telling her one thing and the world is telling her another. Have you ever had a song in your head that you couldn’t seem to stop hearing? Try replacing it with thoughts of death, mutilation, singulation, dread, anxiety, fear, sadness and remorse. You wouldn’t be the same person in just a small amount of time. The mind can play awful tricks on us. It is our job to understand WHEN and WHY it is doing it. Studying the mind can become a very long and timeless activity. But, when it brings you to a place of rest, it is well worth the time.

I now know what it is like to feel Depressed. I have lived it not only through my father, my mother, my husband and many friends, but now, through the eyes of my daughter. Someone who I wanted to feel excited about life had all but given up on it. Someone I wanted to smile all the time walked around with gloom in her eyes. I know what she felt, and I wanted her to know that it was ok. It was ok for her to feel hopeless, saddened, gloomy, and tired. I would take her any way I could as long as she was alive.

It had been a long time since I had acted on the fear of losing her like I did when I panicked the other night. But it made me realize that her illlness has completely changed me too. But was was even more eye opening and revealing was her reaction to my panic. Her somewhat normal teenage response  made me realize how very far we have come since the first time she told me that she wanted to die. Last month my daughter came to me describing how excited she was to be growing up and that she looked forward to graduating and getting her very own house where she could have me and her step-dad come over for dinner. She said she would not allow me to see it until she had decorated it just right… then she would make a big dinner for everyone and we would all come to her house and be a family. I cried with delight hearing her talk about a future. Listening to her go on and on about something so normal gave me insurmountable joy. It surprised every fiber in me that she had finally come to a place where tomorrow didn’t look so bad. Tomorrow could maybe be fun and full of great things. And, that maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be a good day.

Wishes are for Wells | Faith vs. Hope

It’s been said that Hope is what keeps man alive. It is the very bottom of our beings that allows us to take that next step when striving to make our dreams come true. Hope can make or break your inner being. It can solidify the very reason you got out of bed this morning, or dash the very thought of ever stepping outside again. Everyone needs hope, but the one thing they need more is faith.

I have found myself in the past few years trying to determine whether I was living by Faith or by Hope. Sometimes it is very hard to tell the difference. Especially if you do not have a true understanding of where your faith lies. The most extreme days of depression can easily be categorized as those times you lost hope by those who do not live by faith. And they will tell you! “Don’t lose Hope!” What does that really mean?

The term “Hope” is defined as an emotion or a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. If you break that down, you find the word “expectation”. Having an expectation simply means you have already defined to yourself what would be good, or what would cause good things to happen. We all have daily expectations in our lives. We expect that our alarm will wake us up on time, we expect our loved ones will kiss us goodbye on our way to work, we expect the car’s engine will start when we turn the key… But do we base our daily mood on these expectations? I certainly should hope not, otherwise we would all be basket cases! Depending on our expectations of what we have defined as our realities. Although, this statement brings great definitive when we see that the state of our minds quickly change when the car doesn’t start!

You also see the word “desire”; a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen. Wishes are for wells. Huge holes that fall in the ground. A space of darkness and emptiness. When a child asks for a candy bar and the parent says no, usually the first wine is “But I WANT it!” My answer to that was always done by singing the line… “You can’t always get what you want” But, Yes, through Faith… you find sometimes, you get what you need.

In the scriptures of the bible, you will see time and time again where we are told as believers to live by Faith and Faith alone. Does this mean there is no Hope? Or does it redefine the standard of living we have? Does it separate the State of Emotion from the State of LIVING. Do we not as believers drink of the Living Waters? Do they not quench our thirst when we are in dire need of spiritual hydration? So who are we to pick and choose when we drink? So, do we pray each time we turn the key? (Well, in some cases I find myself doing this) But no, typically we don’t. So what does it mean to live by Faith and Faith alone?

The definition of Faith is; to demonstrate complete trust or confidence in someone or something. Notice there is no expectation. No desire. Just TRUST and CONFIDENCE. There is no pre-defined situation or something that could disappoint once the solution has arrived. The closure is up to the “Someone or Something” and no one has a tendency to demonstrate negative trust or confidence. So, simply stated it would be impossible to be negative about a situation, a decision, or a matter when you are simply TRUSTING and CONFIDENT that it will work out.

God said in ALL things he will make Good. He didn’t say that he would work things out to meet your expectations. If I had a dime for every time things worked out the way I wanted them to I would be extremely poor! As a matter of fact, I can’t think of one thing that worked out in a positive way that I had complete control over. Like most people in this world I have a tendency to over analyze, over think, over do and blow out of proportion most of my decisions. It is Human Nature that we find ourselves being self destructive.

So, with all of that being said. Today has been a tough day. I woke up with bills over my head I cannot pay. Situations that won’t lend a break are weighing heavily on my mind. And I just can’t seem to find joy in my every day tasks because I am trying to find a way to find Hope in my situation. As I am talking with a friend, I hear him say… “Keep the Faith, things will work out” It dawned on me! I have been trying to find Hope in a Hopeless Situation! I have been trying to build an expectation for my reality! I have been trying to define “HOW” it’s going to work out! God says, “Be still and Know Me” A true believer who walks with God cannot see past his own nose because he is too busy looking at the Father. The Beginning, The End. We have no need for Hope because there is nothing to hope for! He is the way, the truth and the light. And only through Him do we see the path to righteousness. Amen? He will work out the things in my life the way they are to be worked out. He knows of my striving, he knows of my heartache. He would never let me fall or be broken for the sake of my enemies or for anything of this world because I am His and He is Mine.

So the next time, you find yourself encouraging a friend. Be sure to encourage their FAITH and not their HOPE. Faith will last and make them strong. Hope will simply blind them, depress them and detour their thoughts of our Heavenly Father and all the wonderful things that He has in store for them! Thank you to my very good friend and brother in Christ, Curtis Hildebrand, for helping me understand why I was struggling. You are treasured in the Kingdom of Heaven and offer great encouragement to the saints around you. May you be blessed.