A New Years Resolve | When was the Beginning

As I sit this morning recollecting the past year’s journey, I find so many signs and wonders of the Lord’s coming to fruition in my life. I woke and made my Past Year’s post on Facebook. A basic little application offering highlighted posts from the past 365 days. Giving a second to meditate on what had transpired. Scanning through pictures of the last twelve months, it came to me so clearly. I was tired for many good reasons and it dismissed my feelings of regret. I had come from somewhere this past year. I had accomplished so much. But now, I was ready to be reborn. I was ready to be re-enlightened. I was ready to be breathed into with a fresh sense of awareness and hope that the new year will bring promise. I was ready and prepared.

The year 2014 brought much tribulation, stress, and strife. My son who has now separated himself from his mothers waning teet and had in just a year’s time delivered himself into the world as an independent adult. He joined the military, the Army specifically, gained his footing in the world as a soldier and has most recently devoted his life and heart by order of engagement to a young woman. His visit home this season brought the realizations that he is now his own. As I dropped him and his fiancé’ off at her home after dinner, it came to me, I will never tuck my boy into bed, kiss his soft forehead, come to his cry in the middle of the night or tend a new morning yawn again. I realized that this transformation reminded me of his birth when he left my body causing pain and agony. That this too, this delivery from my home, my wing, was just as painful as when he left my womb. Now, he is David, still my son, but a man who steps to his own destiny.

As I began to pray, seeking the Lord for guidance; I summoned him to bring me to an epiphany. I searched the scripture by flapping through pages and landing quietly in Matthew, Chapter 23-26. I had hoped to find a word that would strengthen the vision I had experienced just a week’s time ago while waking abruptly in the wee hours of a morning. There was something about to happen. After this long year of trials and change, building a business, strengthening a daughter who was struggling with teenage tasks and delivering a son into this world, I needed to know that I was still on a path of personal salvation. A way in which I still had purpose and meaning. A hope that there was more joy to have and more work to do.

Matthew:24:21
for then there will be a great tribulation, such as has not occurred since the beginning of the world until now, nor ever shall.

As I read through Chapters 23-26, I heard the story of the days, as told by Matthew, before the Passover and the final deliberations that Jesus gave to us to consider before his death and resurrection. I related to the words given to the scribes, the Pharisees, as he called them hypocrites. I knew as I prepare for a new year that He, the Almighty, was speaking to me while he works me toward my purposes. Recently I had portrayed my anger and frustrations towards the world’s churches during fellowship with my dad. I told him that I felt church leaders only fall away the feet of those searching for the Grace of God! That they lead them into despair with no hope. Keeping from them the good news and leaving them to think that they receive forgiveness by their own flesh and doings, and not simply by the grace and mercy of our Heavenly Father! I physically heat up in emotional thoughts when I think about the Priests sending down judgment upon the heads of the believers only for their own name sake to cause strife and worry in the church. How the bride is being raped of her gold with wicked tongues of fake promises and riches of the world. How religions cause the eyes of the weak to fix their gaze upon everything that is not right in themselves so as to cause them to fall into a coma of self-doubt and consistent shame. These are the idols of the people. The monarchy that will fall. For any one of us who lead, must lead the hearts and eyes to simply look at their Father as he will do the rest in their confirmed and freely given salvation!

As I read on I noticed the verse I mentioned above. In relation to the deliberations that Christ spoke, He reminds us to constantly prepare for the end days. He tells us to be constantly ready or to have readiness as the disciples asked him what the signs would be that he was coming.  He tells us to be weary of false prophet, when nation rises against nation. He speaks of the time when many will fall away and hate one another. That these times of tribulations, (meaning a time distress or suffering resulting from oppression or persecution; also : a trying experience) would be the signs that he is coming. And that the time in the beginning, the time when Adam ate of the Tokogae, (Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil), was the time that the tribulation began.

As I ponder on where my journey will take me, I know that there will be many times of stress and strife, of tribulation. It is in these times I know he is coming, he is working for my good, bringing me salvation and rest. There are many things in which we are to fear in these times, but we are not to fear the tribulation as it is a sign, a wonder that the Lord Jesus Christ has not forsaken us! It a sign that he is coming to claim his bride! He, the One, says prepare yourselves as the virgins prepare for the wedding feast. Be prepared to sit in the dark and wait upon the bridegroom and have your oil flask to refill your lamp when it is time to burn the light. Meaning, keep your spirit prepared for him. Keep your light shining for others to see! And do not give in to the eyes of the flesh that become heavy and you sleep whilst you are to be guarding  your soul. Stay vigilant in prayer and seeking Him.

My Father in heaven comes for me and I am ready. Ready to do whatever the will be of the Lord. In the hopes that I will continue to let Christ’s light shine through me so that others can see what He has made!

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Tomorrow Will Be a Good Day | Mothering the Depressed

It’s not everyday that you can say it has been a good day. There is no relative ground when it comes to the mood swings of someone who suffers with Depression or Bi-polar Disorder. Waking up on any given day could mean catastrophe and a simple statement like, “hello, how was your day” could open a whole can of worms that takes hours to recooperate from. That is why I have learned it is easier to take it moment by moment.

Recently I found myself in an utter panic when I came home to realize that my daughter wasn’t home. My brain turned chaotic as I ran around the tiny little apartment calling her name and re-checking all the rooms for a sign of her lifeless body. Then it dawned on me, she had called earlier that evening to tell me she was going for a walk. I sighed with relief. Then in a split second, utter frenzy entered my mind. I asked myself, “Why isn’t she home yet?” I immediately started pacing thinking the most awful things of her in the park all alone, and what could have happened to her. Within moments of our search we were reunited with a cheerful young lady who did not caution to impose her distain upon us for worrying so frantically. She said, “I always take hour long walks mom! Why didn’t you just look at the time I called you? You would’ve realized I was just still out walking! Geze!” And with a roll of her eyes she dismissed herself to her room. I was left in disbelief, shaking nervously and trying to regain the calm sense I had recently arrived home with. It was all my fault, this time.

Now, you may be wondering why in the world would you have first thought to look for a lifeless body? That seems a bit presumptious don’t you think? Being the mother of a person who suffers from Bi-Polar Disorder can put a lot of strain on the mind. It leaves room for the imagination to wander and the soul to feel despairity even when there is nothing to despair. The constant review of how your child is feeling can become a disheartening cycle. You learn so much about how you might be failing them, how incredibly lost they feel, how they have no desire to live and sometimes, how much they despise you. But what you need to learn about is, the “WHY”.

My daughter and I started life out on two opposite sides of the universe. Now, when I say we didn’t get along, I mean, we REALLY did not get along. There was very little bond between us due to her upbringing in a confused home with two parents who had two different ideas of discipline and child rearing. It unfortunately put me, the disciplanarian on the wrong side of her fence. After my divorce I made it a personal goal to find a way for her and I to bond. I wanted to create that special relationship between mother and daughter that I never had with my own mother. And most of all, I wanted her to know that I loved her more than anything in the whole world. I was willing to fight for her like no one had ever fought for her before.

When my daughter was young we experienced some very odd behaviors. Behaviors that eventually not only got the attention of loved ones and family, but even teachers, principals and finally the “system”. She was evaluated around five years old for mental behavioral issues. The news was not good. I was devasted and had no idea where to turn, so I turned to my husband and family. When their reaction was completely the opposite, we collectively decided that the diagnosis was irratic and unsubstantiated. And in that, we did nothing.

Continuing a life of family issues, social anxieties, bad grades and heartless speeches about “Life, and what’s normal”; my beautiful daughter’s struggle grew. It started to consume her personality, her diet, her activities and even started affecting family relationships because of the disagreements we would have on how to handle her wrong behavior. After the divorce she started using danger terms like, “I wish I was dead” and “What’s the point, none of it matters anyway.” I knew it was time for a change and I decided maybe again it was time to have my daughter evaluated.

Since then and for the past three years, my daughter and I have been on a road of healing. We have taken the steps to understand the “WHY” and what the ramifications are when it comes to mental health disorders. We have opened avenues of communication and delved deep into our psyche to figure out exactly what it is we can do to develop a better communication. We have found pains that we didn’t even know were there and learned ways to resolve conflicts in our personal lives as well as in our relationship with one another. The journey has been long, but it has been wonderful.

The reason why my mind goes to thinking she may have commited suicide so easily is due to the fact that I have finally admitted to myself that will always be a possibility. It is something that the doctors told me to take very seriously for so long. I dreaded it and it became a fear that I ended up ignoring due to my inability to understand the “WHY”. I now understand why she would want to do something so drastic as to take her life. Even when I heard her light cheerful voice just an hour before. Why she would give up on everything that is good around her. Why she has no motivation. I understand now that the “WHY” is not ME. It is not because I was a bad mom, or that I disciplined her too hard, or that she is trying to get back at me for something I did…. It is just because, She FEELS bad and she can’t make it go away. Her brain is telling her one thing and the world is telling her another. Have you ever had a song in your head that you couldn’t seem to stop hearing? Try replacing it with thoughts of death, mutilation, singulation, dread, anxiety, fear, sadness and remorse. You wouldn’t be the same person in just a small amount of time. The mind can play awful tricks on us. It is our job to understand WHEN and WHY it is doing it. Studying the mind can become a very long and timeless activity. But, when it brings you to a place of rest, it is well worth the time.

I now know what it is like to feel Depressed. I have lived it not only through my father, my mother, my husband and many friends, but now, through the eyes of my daughter. Someone who I wanted to feel excited about life had all but given up on it. Someone I wanted to smile all the time walked around with gloom in her eyes. I know what she felt, and I wanted her to know that it was ok. It was ok for her to feel hopeless, saddened, gloomy, and tired. I would take her any way I could as long as she was alive.

It had been a long time since I had acted on the fear of losing her like I did when I panicked the other night. But it made me realize that her illlness has completely changed me too. But was was even more eye opening and revealing was her reaction to my panic. Her somewhat normal teenage response  made me realize how very far we have come since the first time she told me that she wanted to die. Last month my daughter came to me describing how excited she was to be growing up and that she looked forward to graduating and getting her very own house where she could have me and her step-dad come over for dinner. She said she would not allow me to see it until she had decorated it just right… then she would make a big dinner for everyone and we would all come to her house and be a family. I cried with delight hearing her talk about a future. Listening to her go on and on about something so normal gave me insurmountable joy. It surprised every fiber in me that she had finally come to a place where tomorrow didn’t look so bad. Tomorrow could maybe be fun and full of great things. And, that maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be a good day.

Death and Life, to a lost friend.

Had a friend commit suicide last night… what to think is my question.

I have never condoned such an act. I think suicide is the worst way to go simply for what folks are left with. The questions, the anger… this cannot be what you want people to remember of your life.

I too have been at the end of my rope, and whether out of fear or strength, I passed on the idea of committing suicide. I won’t say I haven’t thought of it, haven’t we all? But where does one truly have to be to actually call the death switch on their own existence. I imagine it has to be a pretty sore place.

For my friend, I would never have guessed in a million years he would pull this stunt. He came off as a proud, confident and almost invincible human being. He leaves behind a large beautiful family and many friends. I wish I would have had a chance to tell him before he left.

Find solace in yourself. There are more answers than you could ever come to realize. And there is always more than one way to pull a trigger. Though we face difficult times, let us now feel alone or withered. God still stands by our side. Keep your face to the wind and your dreams alive. One day, we will rise.

Coming up from within

A movement has started, and not in the world… but in me.

As I watch, my son is growing right out of the nest. He gained his first job yesterday and has joined the Marines. With only a semester to go he will graduate early and be on his way into the Great Wide Open.

I find myself feeling younger these days as I chase my dreams and still can’t believe I mother such a fine young man. My daughter is no less to speak of. With golden hair and a smile that shines from her deepest spirit, she lightens my step and gives me hope for the future. Her smarts inspire me and I never know when she will surprise me.

I am finding that I am truly at a new area in my walk. Learning that not everything has something to do with anything… but that maybe it just is. As I am. In the past, the cloud that has hung over my head from my rearing has been despondent and a constant reminder of my anguish. I have tried so many times to move past the ugliness I was subjected to. I have now found that I have embraced it with all the energies of a great God who has shown me, that they just were. But through time and experiences we learn what we are made of and what we are for.

I am now implementing so many practical sides of myself in my works. Enjoying what I do and why I do them. The purpose of life isn’t necessarily to get somewhere, its to be happy where you are. I can honestly say, I am surely getting there.

Greetings

I have been looking for a way to journal the past few years of my life… I am finally deciding to blog it. I find myself talking to so many people who deal with the same struggles of a starving musician and a new business owner… so, I thought we would put it all in perspective.

You may find sorrows, triumphs, moments of glee or maybe even devils advocacy here… but the most important thing you will find is honesty.

I will probably take the time to share your experiences too! So, Fellow Musicians, Artists, Business Owners and More! Come along for the journey as we begin to explore the life of a woman, mother, girlfriend, rocker, singer/songwriter and though I hate to admit it… Girl living in the heart of the Indie Industry and Starting a Business of the New World Economy! This is my experience.